The Foreign Service Journal, January 2008

Talking through Anger It’s hard to talk to someone who is angry. One thing you can do is set up a timeout system to provide a way to talk even while angry. Here’s one way to do this: • Agree that either of you can call a timeout at any time. • Agree that when someone calls a timeout, the dis- cussion must stop right then. • Decide on a signal you will use to call a timeout. This can be a word or a hand motion. • Agree to tell each other where you will be and what you will be doing during the timeout. Tell each other what time you will come back. While you are taking such a break, don’t focus on how angry you feel. Instead, think calmly about how you will talk things over and solve the prob- lem. After you come back: • Take turns talking about solutions to the problem. Listen without interrupting. • Use statements starting with “I,” such as “I think” or “I feel.” Using “you” statements can sound accusatory. • Be open to each other’s ideas. Don’t criticize each other. • Focus on things you both think will work. It’s likely you will both have good ideas. • Together, agree which solutions you will use. You and your family may have trouble talking about feelings, worries and everyday problems. Here are some ways to communicate better: • Be clear and to the point. • Be positive. Blame and negative talk won’t help the situation. • Be a good listener. Don’t argue or interrupt, but do repeat what you hear to make sure you understand. Ask questions if you need to know more. • Put your feelings into words. Your loved one may not know you are sad or frustrated unless you are clear about your feelings. • Help your family member put feelings into words. For instance, ask: “Are you feeling angry? Sad? Worried?” • Ask how you can help. • Don’t give advice unless you are asked. If your family is having a lot of trouble talking things over, consider trying family therapy. This is a type of counseling that involves your whole family. The therapist helps the whole group communicate, maintain good rela- tionships and cope with tough emotions. Each person gets to talk about how the problem is affecting them and the whole family. Helping Can Be Hard Don’t forget that helping a person with PTSD can be hard on the rest of the family. You may have your own feelings of fear and anger about the trauma. You may feel guilty because you wish your family member would just forget his or her problems and get on with life. Or you may feel confused or frustrated because your loved one has changed, and you may worry that your family life will never get back to normal. All of this can drain you, affecting your health and making it harder for you to help your loved one. If you’re not careful, you may get sick yourself, be- come depressed, or burn out and stop helping your loved one. So take care of yourself, even if that requires the help of others: • Don’t feel guilty or feel that you have to know it all. Nobody has all the answers and it’s normal to feel helpless at times. • Don’t feel bad if things change slowly. You cannot change anyone. People have to change themselves. • Take care of your physical and mental health. If you feel yourself getting sick or feeling sad and hopeless, see your doctor. • Don’t give up your outside life. Make time for activ- ities and hobbies you enjoy. Continue to see your friends. • Take time to be by yourself. Find a quiet place to gather your thoughts and recharge. • Get regular exercise, even just a few minutes a day. Exercise is a healthy way to deal with stress. • Eat healthy foods. • Remember the good things. It’s easy to get weighed down by worry and stress. But don’t forget to see and cel- ebrate the good things that happen to you and your fam- ily. F O C U S 34 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / J A N U A R Y 2 0 0 8 Internet Resources National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder www.ncptsd.org Anxiety Disorders Association of America www.adaa.org/index.cfm National Institute on Mental Health www.nimh.nih.gov Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Alliance www.ptsdalliance.org Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Agency www.samhsa.gov