The Foreign Service Journal, November 2011

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 1 / F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L 19 anywhere is knowing who you are and what your limits and strengths are. Trying too hard to excel, to do every- thing, to be self-sacrificing, can be counterproductive anywhere, but es- pecially in a place where working 24/7 is not just the norm, but our raison d’e- tre. After the first battle against the Spartans during the Peloponnesian War, Pericles gave his famous Funeral Oration to honor the Athenian dead. In it, he stressed the fact that the Spar- tans did nothing but prepare for war, training their young male children from the age of 7 to harden them- selves to the vicissitudes of life and warfare. The Athenians on the other hand, he proudly boasted, ate well, drank wine, wrote poetry, danced wildly and philosophized — and their soldiers were every bit as good as Spartans on the field of battle. Those serving in challenging places like Kabul also need to make time to relax, put work aside and take joy in the small pleasures of days otherwise darkened with overbearing demands and worries. Aristotle vs. Gilgamesh But the other extreme is just as bad as making work your life. The bore- dom and tedium of work, the loneli- ness and the pent-up energy all lead some to neglect their work. Focusing too much on merriment brings its own dangers. Sometimes I would look at my col- leagues in Kabul and wonder if some had subconsciously decided that the normal rules of human relationships and modes of behavior were not ap- plicable to this abnormal environment. Ensuring normalcy and continuity be- tween one’s life before coming to Kabul and existence there is crucial to maintaining one’s sanity and integrity. Too great a focus on fun is really an expression of despair, such as what Gilgamesh felt when, seeing all the frustrations and sorrows of living, he was told he should just “eat and drink and be merry.” Far better to follow Aristotle’s “golden mean” — seek a sane balance between work and fun, between a seriousness of purpose and a serious commitment to relax. Stay Connected No alien ever spoke wiser words than E.T. — “Phone home!” Literally and figuratively, it is crucial in these high-stress and geographically and emotionally remote postings to stay connected to family and friends. Nothing defines, reassures and safe- guards us more than those enduring ties to others whom we love and are loved by. I must admit this was probably my worst failing (of many) during my time in Kabul. For me and I suspect others (probably mostly male), building a wall between life in Afghanistan and my “real” life back home seemed the best course. Skyping with a young child (I would read children’s stories over Skype at least once a week to my 5- year-old) or calling your spouse or a close friend can be as painful as it is therapeutic. I would often try to avoid it altogether. It seemed so masochis- tic, like tearing a bandage off a wound that was just starting to heal. Why keep picking at the scab? Why keep letting yourself remember what you are missing? The simple, brutal answer is be- cause they need to feel connected to you, and you — despite efforts to de- lude yourself — need to miss them and remember how much you miss them. Being connected to those you love who are far away will also help keep you on an even keel. Unmoored, we tend to become unhinged; our atti- tude turns frommerely being irritated and frustrated to angry and sullen, then despondent and cold. Often I would remember what Vik- tor Frankl said, inspired (I think) by concentration camp inmates: “Every- thing can be taken from a person but one thing: the last of the human free- doms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” How Supervisors Can Help The story goes that the Roman em- peror Hadrian was returning home one evening when an old woman sought him out for an audience about some problem or another. Having spent a grueling day trying to keep the empire functioning, he was on edge and irked by the request. So he re- sponded curtly: “I haven’t the time.” Without skipping a beat the old woman shot back: “Don’t be emperor, then.” He granted her an audience. I can’t think of a better example of how every supervisor — from lofty F S K N O W - H O W It is tempting to build walls between life at unaccompanied posts and our “real” life back home.