The Foreign Service Journal, December 2013

18 DECEMBER 2013 | THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL guide can help smooth your path by offering some signposts about the issues unique to divorce in a profession where “home is where the State Department sends you.” Step 1: Realize that just like Foreign Service life, FS divorce is exponentially more complicated than “regular” divorce (whatever that is!). We don’t say this to scare you, but to warn that you will face issues that most divorce lawyers and fam- ily court judges have never considered. These same lawyers and judges will make generalizations about our profession, and the countries where we serve, that may simply reflect ignorance or misinforma- tion but are nonetheless shocking. We had one family court judge say to us that “Bangkok wouldn’t be a good assignment because your kids could get sold into the sex trade there.” We’re not disputing the existence of human trafficking issues in Southeast Asia, but I’m not aware that FS dependents are even remotely at risk. Yet this is the sort of “fact” that you will confront over and over again, and it takes lots of patience and diplomatic skill to educate those you will rely on in this process about the reali- ties of overseas life. Step 2: Prepare for life in the embassy fishbowl to feel even less private than it already does. Another hard truth, we know, but you need to be prepared. You will lose friends who view your personal situation as a professional liability, or worry your divorce is contagious. You will lose friends who don’t want your child to be around their children. (This one is particularly heartbreaking, but we’ve seen it happen—and not just to us.) But you will also discover that a few people—maybe some you never expected—will be steadfast friends, standing by you through it all. That is one of the bright spots of this process, which we also want to highlight. Step 3: Get organized and do your research. Even if you think you and your divorcing spouse agree on everything, you are embarking on the most paper- work-heavy process you have ever been through. And if you do disagree, no detail is too small to document now to protect yourself later. Start a file and a log like you are going to be reporting to the Executive Secre- tariat on a weekly basis. Once you get going in the “divorce process,” you will be asked to recall details of your financial situation, your children’s school records and your Thrift Savings Plan balance that you can’t possibly imagine now. If you have a good system for keeping track of everything as you discuss it, your life will be much easier when you need to supply information to your lawyers, your former spouse or (worst-case sce- nario) the court. You should also be in regular contact with the Family Liaison Office; get their divorce handbook for a start, and read every page like your life depends on it. (Because to a certain degree, it does.) Trust us: There are considerations in FS divorce that you can’t foresee, and you need experts on your side. And that leads us to: Step 4: Lawyer up! Even if your divorce is proceeding without a hiccup right now, and you are envisioning a peaceful post- divorce friendship a la Demi and Bruce, at some point things will take a turn for the worse. This process is just so com- plicated that even if you can discuss it all civilly with your former spouse, there are considerations you can’t know about unless you are a former family law attor- ney (in which case you should put this article down and go do something fun!). For example, the judge in our divorce was unable to issue the decree at the conclusion of the trial because Virginia law requires proof you have been living separate and apart from the spouse you are divorcing for one year from the date of separation before the divorce can be granted. This requires either testimony in the U.S. court or an affidavit from another adult living in your residence—not items most of us can readily provide from an overseas environment. Do your research on lawyers. Just because someone says they “know about the Foreign Service” doesn’t mean they really do. We are still dealing with the fallout from an ill-informed attorney who did not include the State Department- required language in our property settle- ment on retirement payments. And this was someone from the FLO list! So be No matter how far away from retirement age you are, consult with the Retirement Office as soon as you begin the nitty-gritty of financial negotiations with your soon-to-be-former spouse.